A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?" The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity, here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods: On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special.) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just a suggestion.) On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down. On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?) On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you.""Why not?" askes the brain."You're already out of your head."

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.' The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'' St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?' 'Oh, about two minutes ago.

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"

A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed 4 dollars."But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer."Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.""Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."