A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you.""Why not?" askes the brain."You're already out of your head."

A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed 4 dollars."But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer."Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.""Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money."I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze. George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."So, when George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by mywife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, orelse... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. Iwithdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down thesink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew thecork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exceptionof one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the thirdbottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled thecork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down theglass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next anddrank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled thesink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then Icorked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, countedthe glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which weretwenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally Ihad all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under theaffluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk asyou might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and thedrunker I stand here, the longer I get.

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so.""But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?""Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."

A Polak, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said "Let's all go to O'Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness."The Italian said "That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini's with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table."The Polak said "That sounds fine but if we go to Kowalski's we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid.""That sounds to good to be true!" the Irishman exclaimed. "Have you actually been there?""No," the Polak replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year old scotch. As the bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under his hand.The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one."When the bartender heard that, he checked the bottle and was amazed that the fellow was right -- he had served him a three-year old scotch. The bartender wanted to see how good the fellow was, so he served him another scotch, this one a six-year old.The guy had a sip and spat it out, complaining, "I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a six-year old one."The bartender was surprised by how good this fellow was. So the barman decided to play one more little game. He served the customer a nine-year-old scotch instead of a twelve-year old one as requested.The fellow had a sip and spat it out, stating, "I think I asked for a twelve-year old scotch and not a nine-year old one." The bartender was very impressed and finally served him the demanded twelve-year-old scotch.The customer took a sip and added, "This is what I asked in the first place."At the end of the counter sat a man who had witnessed this scene. He sent a tumbler to the scotch expert and asked him to have a sip.The fellow did so and spat it out and said, "Good Lord, that's piss."The other man added, "Now tell me how old I am."