A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy. St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.' The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'' St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?' 'Oh, about two minutes ago.

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and shouts "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, "no, I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle." Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by, and again, they request that he get into the boat. He responds that he has faith in God and God will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again because "God will grant him a miracle." With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder, and they tell him to climb it. Yet, spluttering with water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help due to his faith in God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith, and says to Peter, I thought God would grant me a miracle, and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about! We sent you three boats and a helicopter."

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him

Bob and his friend are sitting on front porch admiring the sunset. Bob has a proud smile on his face when he says, "You know, I don't think there's anyone on this planet I don't know." His friend looks at him, "What? You're kidding!" Bob says, "No. I think I know just about everybody." Bob's friend says, "I bet you don't know the governor." "George? Yeah, I know ol' George, as a matter of fact, I'm having dinner with him Tuesday. Why don't you come along?" They show up at the governor's mansion Tuesday, Governor Bush opens up the door himself. "Hey, Bob! How are ya doin'? Come on in!" Bob's friend is quite impressed, but still not convinced Bob knows everybody. A few days later he tells Bob. "I bet you don't know Bruce Springsteen." "Bruce? Sure I know the Boss! We used to hang out together in Jersey!" "Bob, I don't believe you. I think you're lying to me." "No, really," Bob responds, "In fact, he's putting on a show tomorrow night. Lets go." Bob and his friend make their way up to front row. Bruce Springsteen looks down and says, "I'd like to dedicate this next song to my good friend Bob here." The friend is getting totally freaked by now. He is determined to find someone Bob doesn't know. A couple of weeks later, Bob is once again sitting on the porch with that proud smile on his face, when his friend pulls up in the driveway, jumps out of the car and says, "Aha! You don't know the Pope!" "The Pope? Sure I know ol' John Paul!" "You're lyin', Bob! I don't believe you!" "I'll prove it to you," Bob says. So they fly over to the Vatican. Bob's friend stands near the front of the crowd waiting for the Pope to come out on the balcony. Soon the Pope appears before the thousands of people in the crowd. Sure enough, right behind him comes Bob. Standing next to the Pope and waving at the crowds. After a bit Bob looks down and sees his friend passed out on the ground. He runs down to the street to his friend and says, "Hey, you okay?" "Yeah, I'm okay. I was standing here in shock when all of a sudden a guy leans towards me and says, 'Hey, who's that standing next to Bob?'"

Ben, Pete and Nick went to a car race one day. Unfortunately, a race car crashed through the fence into the spectators and they were killed. Being good God-fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they where met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you that we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on." That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere! In no time at all, Ben stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on. Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Ben and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away. Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Pete accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on. Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." With that, he chained the woman to Pete and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away. Well, Nick was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to Nick and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away. Nick exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?" "I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "but I stepped on a duck..."

Noah went to see God to ask him for a new and improved 'ark'. "Ok Noah. I think it is time you had a new ark", God said. "Take a seat, tell me your ideas, and I'll start a design." "Well, firstly, I'd like it to have plenty of floors. Say, 5 or 6," Noah said. "Ok... 5 or 6 floors." "I'd also like some spaces on the floors as well, to keep things in." "Right, spaces." And with this God starts drawing a few designs for Noah. "Would you like some animals in there to start you off?" God asked him. "Erm... Fish!" Noah replied. "Fish. Ok. What sort? Any in particular?" "Carp, and plenty of them," Noah said. "Carp. Anything else needed?" God asked. And they went through various items such as the colour, doors, windows, etc. Finally, between them both they'd come up with a design that they both agreed on. Sitting back in his chair admiring the new 'ark,' God asked Noah, "So, what are you going to call it? Have you thought of anything?" "Well God. I thought I'd call it 'Noah's Multi-Story Carp Ark.'"

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?""I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones."Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin."Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones."God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin."Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!""Amen," replied the congregation.

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?'"

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man," the priest said. "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does," the man said.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!""What's the problem, Eve?""Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy.""Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above."Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.""Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.""What's a 'man,' Lord?""This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfyyour desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly.""Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?""As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."