A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: Sip the vodka; don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass." We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him. When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T." When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry." The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door:Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10

Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..." Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion." The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem." "Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more." Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger." "That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?" Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

The pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the good news was that all the pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the pope stated, "I agree, but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed, and there was quite an uproar. Suddenly a single voice was heard over the top of the noise: "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause. The pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. "Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause another voice asked, "And the fourth condition?" The pope replied, "Big tits."

Noah went to see God to ask him for a new and improved 'ark'. "Ok Noah. I think it is time you had a new ark", God said. "Take a seat, tell me your ideas, and I'll start a design." "Well, firstly, I'd like it to have plenty of floors. Say, 5 or 6," Noah said. "Ok... 5 or 6 floors." "I'd also like some spaces on the floors as well, to keep things in." "Right, spaces." And with this God starts drawing a few designs for Noah. "Would you like some animals in there to start you off?" God asked him. "Erm... Fish!" Noah replied. "Fish. Ok. What sort? Any in particular?" "Carp, and plenty of them," Noah said. "Carp. Anything else needed?" God asked. And they went through various items such as the colour, doors, windows, etc. Finally, between them both they'd come up with a design that they both agreed on. Sitting back in his chair admiring the new 'ark,' God asked Noah, "So, what are you going to call it? Have you thought of anything?" "Well God. I thought I'd call it 'Noah's Multi-Story Carp Ark.'"

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter."Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.""Fine, but where should I go first?""I'll leave that up to you.""Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased."This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!""Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision."Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter."Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."So Bill Gates went to Hell.Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons."How's everything going?" he asked Bill.Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???""That was the demo," replied St. Peter.