A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?" The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend."As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long"!The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket."He also said he wants to screw me all night long"!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table."He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night"!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer"!

A guy was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..." I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. "Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

Little Red Riding Hood was walking trough the forest one day, when she ran into the Three Little Pigs. "Little Red Riding Hood,beware! The Big Bad Wolf is waiting for you!" they said. "He's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and ride your little red socks off!" Little Red Riding Hood nods her head and says, "That's ok." and continues on her way. A little while later Smokey the Bear comes up to her and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, beware! The Big Bad Wolf is waiting for you! He's gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and ride your little red socks off!" Again she nods her head and says, "I'm not worried." and continues on her way. Well she walk on a ways, and soon the Big Bad Wolf jumps out and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, beware! I've been waiting for you. Now I'm gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and ride your little red socks off!" Very calmly Little Red Riding Hood goes into her basket and pulls out a 357 magnum. Points it straight between the wolf's eyes and says, "No your not! Your gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties, and eat me like the story says!"

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?" A little girl raised her hand. "Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?" "It's a cow, teacher." "Very good, Janie," said the teacher. Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?" Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her Mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the Mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, John came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the trunk. Seeing this John inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?' 'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the stranger replied. 'You've gotta be kiddin' me!' 'No, would you like to give it a try?' Understandably curious, John decided to give it a go. So he wrapped his arms around the tree and gently pressed his ear up against the rough bark. Quick as a flash the stranger slapped a pair of handcuffs on John, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys and cell phone before stripping him naked and leaving him securely cuffed to the tree. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw John handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?' Shaking with cold John proceeded to tell the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. At the end of John's sorry tale, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...