The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM! There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"The trooper says, "No, even more important."The chief replies, "It's the Governor, isn't it ?"The trooper replies "No, even more important.""It isn't the President is it?""No, more important," replies the trooper."Well, WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief."I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body that ails you, and I will heal you." The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television and the other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and the other hand on his groin. With a frown, his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man," the priest said. "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does," the man said.

The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing."Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.""Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."In unison they all replied, "You win!"

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while.Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Moses, Jesus and some 'ol geezer were going to play a round of golf. Moses teed off, the ball went right into the pond. "No problem!" he said. Moses walked over, parted the water, and hit the ball again. This time it landed about one foot from the hole.Jesus then teed off and the ball went flying off to the left, hit a tree, then miraculously bounced within about six inches of the hole.The 'ol geezer stepped up and teed off. As the ball headed right for the pond, a huge bass jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth. Suddenly an eagle swooped down, grabbed the bass and flew over the green. The bass dropped the ball and it rolled within two inches of the hole! All of the sudden, a worm popped up and knocked the ball in. A hole in one.Moses looked at Jesus and said, "You know, I really hate it when your dad plays."