Three buddies decided to take their wives on a week-long vacation to Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, the men sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy said, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there, and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light' or 'hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there, and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?" The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom there. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, who was bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.""Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you are really cute!"

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and says he would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick. Well the tattoo artist laughs and says "I'll do it for free if you can give me one good reason for it." The guy thinks for a second and says. "Well one, I like to keep my money in my pants, two I like to watch my money grow, and three I want to see how fast my wife can blow a $100.

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?" A little girl raised her hand. "Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?" "It's a cow, teacher." "Very good, Janie," said the teacher. Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?" Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes, ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit." Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?" "Well, ma'am, how about a suit?" "Yes, sir. What size?" "Size 53 tall, ma'am." "Wow, that's really big." "Yes, ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" she asked. He replied, "How about some shoes?" "What size?" "Size 15 double D." "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." "What's next?" "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt." "Yes, sir. What size?" "Nineteen and a half neck, size 38," he replied. "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." "Will there be anything else?" she asked. "Yes, ma'am. I spect I'll need a hat." "Yes, sir. What size?" "Eight and five-eighths." "Wow, that's really big!" "Yes, ma'am. They really grow them big in Texas." The woman virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?" "No, ma'am , I reckon that will be all." As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a question?" "Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches." Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!" Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "From the floor, ma'am?"

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh, my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted.