A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five bucks you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five bucks."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long.

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike? A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q: Why are men like public toilets? A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common? A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins? A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex? A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry? A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm? A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A golden retriever.

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q:. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A: She is the one who can eat the last donut.

Q: Why does the bride always wear white? A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits? A: The blonde, because she's 18.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths? A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Why don't pygmies wear tampons? A. They keep stepping on the strings.

Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother? A. You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A. Two mothers-in-law.

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

Difference between michael jackson and a rocket ship?

rocket ships go to the moon and michael jackson rapes little boys

Female Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son. Michael says "Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?" The Doctor says "At least wait till he is walking Michael!!"