An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom there. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, who was bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.""Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you are really cute!"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five bucks you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five bucks."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.""Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?""Yes, I am," said the officer."Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead? A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead? A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long.

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike? A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q: Why are men like public toilets? A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common? A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins? A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex? A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry? A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm? A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A golden retriever.

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q:. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A: She is the one who can eat the last donut.

Q: Why does the bride always wear white? A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits? A: The blonde, because she's 18.

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths? A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Why don't pygmies wear tampons? A. They keep stepping on the strings.

Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother? A. You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A. Two mothers-in-law.

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied, "Si senor! Sometimes the bull wins!"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: Sip the vodka; don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass." We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him. When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T." When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry." The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.